Pre-season analysis of every team

Monday, February 18th, 2008   (9 months ago)

Ranking the 29 MLB teams and the Florida Marlins.

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Here is is: the 2008 pre-season ranking of every team in the MLB.

Team Rank Half-assed opinion
Orioles They suck Few owners are as much an impediment to the success of their teams as Peter Angelos. Actually none. If you’re looking for a silver lining in this …whatever the Orioles are… well, at least Angelos was finally convinced to part with Miguel Tejada.
Astros They suck Speaking of which - Nice going Astros on trading for Tejada just before he got indicted. See if you can get Clemens on the team in time for his call from the HOF DOJ.
Rangers They suck A team so bereft of anything worth talking about that I can’t even come up with anything to mock. They’re counting on Millwood and Padilla at the top of the rotation, and 90-year-old, 500lb Eddie Guardado to close. The positive here I guess is that Guardado won’t be overworked as closer.
Nationals They suck …and this will be news to you because the fact that there’s a baseball team in Washington is a closely guarded secret.
Giants They suck They were a team doing nothing while hanging around waiting to see Bonds break the all-time home run record. He did it. Now he’s gone. So… um… yeah.
Royals They suck They’re bad enough to be considered an honorary NL team. THIRTY-SIX million for Jose Guillen?! Don’t bogart that shit Dayton, pass it around.No wait, on second thought - don’t.
Marlins They suck At the last GMs meeting Twins owner Carl Pohlad was overheard telling Jeffrey Loria that maybe he should consider trying to give something back to the fans. Meet the team that would trade Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to save money.There will be 47 players making more than the entire Marlins team this year. I believe Cabrera is one of them…
Pirates They suck Quick - name any player on the team other than Jason Bay. Exactly.
White Sox They suck They got an amazing run from some pitchers a few years ago and everyone thought Ozzie Guillen was a genius - especially Ozzie. Stop reading your press clippings Ozzie, everything you do makes this team worse.
Cardinals They suck They’re the equivalent of the sub-prime lending market: A percentile change in Albert Pujols means total collapse and blood running through the streets of St. Louis. Kudos on trading problems with Toronto though guys.
Devil Rays They suck They may not suck for much longer, but right now all they are is a good place to go shopping for fantasy league sleepers.
Twins They suck Speaking of Carl Pohlad, he managed to get the taxpayers to give him $400 million and he’s spending all of it to put a better team on the field. No I’m kidding - he’s just gonna throw it on the big pile of money in his Scrooge McDuck money bin and keep running the team on a shoestring. But in a new stadium!
Athletics They suck Well, there goes their streak of not winning in the post-season. After finally breaking through to the second round in 2006 Oakland got lapped by Seattle and the Angels.I’m sad to see the fall of the Twins and Athletics - two franchises that really exemplified how to be almost good enough on a budget.
Reds They kinda suck Can you believe this team’s payroll is higher than the Indians? And now they have Dusty “OBP? I don’t like my players clogging up the basepaths” Baker as their manager.
Braves They kinda suck When you see names like Glavine and Smoltz you think 20-win season. And then you think “Man, I loved grunge music. I miss the 90s”. If they didn’t have the Mets and Phillies to overcome they would probably make the postseason. I mean they are in the NL.
Brewers They kinda suck You might have thought they looked like a good team for the first half of last season, but you have to remember that they play in the NL. …and then you should also remind yourself that they play in the NL Central.
Rockies They kinda suck Yeah, yeah - they made it to the World Series last year.Let me put it this way: If they win 14 of their last 15 games again this year I expect they will once again vault from fourth place in their division into a tie for the Wild Card. So…
Cubs They kinda suck In any AL division they wouldn’t have a prayer of making the post-season - in the NL Central they’re practically a lock.
Dodgers They kinda suck Joe Torre.There’s something about California that attracts great pitching and repels great hitting. The Dodgers will again count on the big bats of …um… Jeff Kent and …uh… Andre Ethier? Andruw Jones might help I guess.

Russel Martin should’ve been on last year’s MVP ballot - he’s a catcher who led his team in OPS, TB and RBI! He’s a catcher that stole 21 bases! Did I mention he’s a catcher?
Joe Torre.
Mariners They don’t suck I have a tough time deciding how to rank the Mariners: Bedard gives them a true ace, and they have the one of the best closers in baseball but I just can’t help but feel like it was all smoke and mirrors last year. I mean Jose Guillen gave them 23 HRs and 99 RBI. Jose Guillen!
Diamondbacks They don’t suck They scored 712 runs (third last in the NL) and gave up 732 last year, but they’ve addressed that by adding star pitcher Danny Haren during the offseason. Can you believe a team with this anemic an offense finished with the best record in the NL? Leading the team in BA, Slg% and OPS? Pitcher Micah Owings ladies and gentlemen - give him a hand.
Padres They don’t suck They have just enough offense and a ton of great pitching, so don’t expect them to finish behind Arizona and Colorado again this year. I’d rank them lower for last year’s finish, but honestly any team paying Brian Giles $10 million a year is being punished enough. Hey look - Mark Prior made it through a spring training workout.
Yankees They don’t suck Okay, I know that they’ll probably call on their limitless reserves of cash once the panic starts to set in, and maybe become competitive, but for right now the Yankees are a $200 million dollar non-playoff team.
And - amazingly - I’m not saying that to piss off Yankee fans.
That’s just a side benefit.
Blue Jays They don’t suck The Jays would mow through every team in the NL not named the Mets. In the AL East however the Blue Jays are like… like if you bought a Ferrari to kick the asses of your friends with Mustangs and Corvettes in street races: You can win if nothing breaks, but if anything does you don’t have any spare parts handy, and you can’t afford to replace anything anyway so you’re out of the race.
Phillies They don’t suck The only other team in the NL with a serious AL type offense. They also allegedly have pitchers, although it’s tough to find any solid evidence of that beyond Cole Hamels… Holy crap - Jamie Moyer is still alive!
Mets They don’t suck This team has the potential to be so good they might have to be moved to the AL. After the epic collapse last year the contract negotiations with Johann Santana were reminiscent of Ned Beatty negotiating with the hillbillies in Deliverence - by that I mean rather one-sided and with a similar result.
Indians They don’t suck The best spent money in baseball right now. Will they pick up the torch carried by Oakland and Minnesota all these years and continue the proud tradition of being almost good enough to beat the teams spending two or three times as much as them? Only time will tell…
Angels They don’t suck Arguably the best pitching staff in baseball, and now they’ve finally addressed the desperate need for some protection in the lineup for Vlad Guerrero. No wait, I’m wrong - they’ve brought in Torii Hunter. I thought that said Alex Rodriguez.
Tigers They don’t suck It really won’t take much - a little pre-2007 Willis, a little 2007 everyone else, and a healthy Zumaya - for the Tigers to be the best team in baseball. They have the potential to be better than the Red Sox.
(See this is the comment designed to piss off a bunch of ardent fans)
Red Sox They don’t suck The pitching is good, and the offense is good. Not much to make fun of here.Nice going in the Superbowl New England.
Ok, I found something.
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Comments on “Pre-season analysis of every team”

  1. February 19th, 2008 at 3:22 pm  Add karma Subtract karma  +0
     Momus

    I totally agree that the Tigers are going to end up being the best team in baseball this year.

    The BoSox have to play the Yankees and Toronto and an improved TB team - the AL Central just isn’t as tough anymore, the Indians are the only other real team in the division now.
  2. February 19th, 2008 at 6:34 pm  Add karma Subtract karma  +0
     gen

    So what if Jose Guillen recovered from an elbow reconstructive surgery last year to go on to achieve the title of lowest fielding percentage of all AL right fielders? He doesn’t need elbow surgery THIS year! Go Royals!

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